I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
