Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
