i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
