I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
