Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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