i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
