There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
