that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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