i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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