I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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