I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
