Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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