Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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