I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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