Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
