Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
