call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
