I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
