please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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