Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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