pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
