I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
