I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
