i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
