My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
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