I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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