I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
