he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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