Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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