theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
