This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
