my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Boobs are out for the taking
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
