i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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