He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
