and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
