How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
