youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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