I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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