"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
