remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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