i jhust puked up my retainher.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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