i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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