I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
