Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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