I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
