I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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