So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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