I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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