Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
