i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
