she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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