i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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