Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
